Thursday, July 7, 2011

Black Dog Day

As Winston Churchill would say, I'm having a black dog day. Well really I don't know that I would confine it just to one day, maybe the last few days. I don't know that I would say I'm depressed, probably more just moody. One minute I'm happy and fine and the next minute, not so fine. Sometimes I don't want to be touched, even by Ryan(which is odd) and then a few minutes later all I want to do is lay in his arms. It's hard to tell how much of this is just me being a female or if it's actually my fibromyalgia talking. I've gotten pretty good at putting on a happy face, I do it pretty much every day. Pretending I'm not tired or not in pain.

People ask me "how are you?" and usually the first thing I WANT to say, if I were being honest, is "tired." Everytime, no matter what time of the day, my answer will be tired. Of course they say "well get more sleep". If only it were that simple. People don't realize how much energy it takes for us to operate on a daily basis. I don't even realize it until I sit down and think. We are tired starting out our day because we don't actually get a restful sleep. So we are already tired, and now we have to get up, put on a happy face and go about our day lying to everyone, including sometimes ourselves. We tell people that we are doing great and we spend energy making them believe us. We make them believe that we slept wonderfully the night before and that our hands, shoulders, backs, necks, knees, hips, and feet are BEGGING us to sit down just for a few minutes. Do you know how exhausting it is to pretend that you aren't in pain and aren't tired ALL day? Then we have the days where we really want nothing more than to sit at home and feel sorry for ourselves, or at least I do. But we have to go to work or school or just see our family members and pretend that everything is OK. Now people wonder why I feel the need to pretend everything is OK. Would you want to hang around a 19 year old that complains about being tired and hurting all day every day? No, you wouldn't. I sure as heck don't want to listen to myself complain about it all day. It gets old, quickly.

So I am guilty. I have probably lied to every single person that I talk to. I have told you that I am doing great, when really all I want to do is go to sleep and stop hurting. I have told you I am great, when really, I am using all of my energy to keep it together just long enough for me to go home and write on this blog about how much my day sucked and then cry about it afterwards.

I bet you didn't expect me to post two threads in less than 24 hours! Well, that's my soapbox for now. Good night :)

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